some old, same old

I’m not pregnant. Again. I am, however, in sometimes-sunny San Francisco, which is a decent consolation prize. Ok, consolation prize isn’t the thing, but aside from a breakdown or two, I honestly am ok.

This leg of the trip I’m staying with a dear friend of (maths….) 27 years (whoa.) and her equally dear girlfriend in their new-ish house and my childless and unpregnant state allows me to do things like sit a bar all afternoon drinking Pimm’s cups while reading a graphic novel and chatting with the (hot) bar tender (who was very into talking about guns and how she *needed* them to defend her “female partner and 12 year old asthmatic pug and hairless cat” to which should teach me to judge by appearances.)

Which is to say I am doing ok. The waste of all the money is, well a waste – and there’s little I like less than waste – but there it is. I have thrown away the PIO I hauled across the country and my friend has arranged for Lyon-Martin to take my extra needles and syringes so I don’t have to throw them away (see waste issues above), so that’s all ok.

Which is not to say that this doesn’t suck. It does. And I have no idea what happens from here. No fucking idea. But right now, I am in good company, writing and reading and drinking tea. And tonight I get on the train to travel up the coast to Seattle.

Which is to say that the world will continue to turn and I will be ok.

some time

Oh, hello there, as my grandpa used to say. Hello. It has been some time hasn’t it? It has. And guess what? Three guess. First two don’t count. Yes! You got it. I’m still infertile.

But that’s boring, old news. Boring and old. Entertainingly, there is little else going on that is new and interesting. Maybe I’ll make y’all a list! I love a list.

  • school: was good, challenging in the full sense of that word, but good. Challenging like cho-girl and I took a deep breath at the end and said “whew.” And also said, “damn, us, we do some good work, gold Montessori stars for us.”Also, I am working camp some this summer. Until noon, so it almost doesn’t count. The paychecks also almost don’t count either.
  • home: also good, if less challenging. One of the remaining chickens went broody for damn near three weeks in June and so egg production is for shit. What this boils down to is that they aren’t getting the fancy organic local food this summer (see also paycheck as mentioned above), because I’m not going to spring for that shit if I don’t get enough eggs to give away. The cats are shedding with abandon, except for dear Louise who manifest her grief for her late brother by over-grooming rather horribly. Poor Louise. The kittens are big, but still kittens and Fifi is old and just as hateful, though sweet to me.

other random things:

  • Super CLAW was last month and there are lots of other places on ye olde internete that talk about it, so I’ll just say that it was fab. And I got a shirt. And another shirt to send to my cousin, who is an official for roller derby
  • Speaking of my cousin, I went to LA and it was great. Saw my afore mentioned cousin and we laid around in bed together taking and drinking coffee and she braided my hair for me everyday, like her mom used to do for us when we were little girls and we went to the beach.
  • I had The Spring of Company, which was pretty much the biggest treat ever. In order of arrival, not importance: Anna with her delightful tiny fam, the Bionics, who have already blogged the trip, if you want deets, Hard Girl and her not so tiny fam, and then trailing at the end of May, aj , who sadly didn’t stay with me, but did come over for whiskey. Yay! Company!
  • I am on the train for a super secret trip to Brooklyn. Well, not really secret, bt I didn’t tell lots of people I was coming up. Just a couple folks. I am going to lay around and read and eat and visit and not make myself crazy trying to see fifty bah-thousand people. But I’m going to go to the bra store. Woo! The bra store.

What else? Is that enough catching up for y’all? And by “y’all” I mean “the two of you that are still reading”.

sf travelogue, day three

Strange dream about hosts having Boxer this morning. Then coffee and a biscotti with a book at the coffee shop across the street. Fab.

Well navigated walk to A’s house for a day of visiting, baby napping and amazing ice cream. Small amount of weeping involved. In the visiting, not in the navigating. Also fab.

Equally well navigated walk to a Pilates studio to meet hosts for post-Pilates beer and pizza. Then home for bento lunch making, whiskey and visiting. Again fab.

Off to Palo Alto via caltrain tomorrow.

Why is this trip so short?

tardy dispatch from the north

See, I’m home now – ah, home *sigh* – but I didn’t get a chance to follow up with pictures from LI.  Pictures!  Let’s see if I can get wp to play nice.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Well, I can’t figure out how to caption anything, so I’ll give you a down and dirty narrative to read to yourself as you watch the slideshow.

When I went up north, we went clamming, and by we I mean that the gf clammed and I sat on the beach in the sun.  She *loves* clamming!  She got a lot of clams and put them in  a bucket.  Then we took them home and ate them with lemon and horseradish.  The end.

dispatches from the North

My soon to be mother-in-not-law has flown me up to the north for a visit.  I was all freaked out about somebody paying for my travel (oh, let’s be honest, I get freaked out by anyone paying for anything), but I got lectured by several people about smiling and saying thank you when one is offered something.  So.  Here I am.

Since arriving, I have :

  • eaten Korean food about a million times
  • sat on the screened porch and had delicious scotch from the gf’s uncle who died, which made me think fondly of my uncle who died.
  • watched a movie with the gf’s brother
  • slept in and then had coffee in bed
  • ate more Korean food!
  • watched the gf try on and look great in a million fancy shirts from her aforementioned uncle
  • prepped for a trip the the beach.  Yes, you read that right, I’m going to the beach.  Woo!

and you are….?

Do we even know each other? It’s been so long….

Just kidding.  I know you’ve been bouncing in your collective seats, biting your collective nails, wondering wtf is happening in Starrhill.  There’s nothing so exciting as the news from here.

In no particular order:

  1. nothing – for real, nothing.  It’s summer and that’s how we roll around here.  I’ve been taking care of various children to pay the bills and sitting on the porch with drinks and generally doing nothing.
  2. small skunk sighting – not a baby and not an adult, but cute.  Also surprising enough to make me jump.  And cute enough to make me think of Pepe Le Pew and worry for my little girl kitten, who does look a good bit like the little black cat Pepe’s always after.
  3. vacation – woo and hoo!  I haven’t had a real vacation in years.  Years, I tell you.  The gf and I went up north, stopping at her folks’ in LI and then on to Western Mass for a wedding (as a side note, the officiant made a very low-key and lovely comment at the start of the ceremony about how marrige is a right and that we hope soon it will be in everyone’s reach – warmed my little gay heart), which is totally at the top of my weddings-attended list.  Then post fab-wedding weekend (yes, it was a whole weekend, yes it was *fab*) we went back to LI/NYC.  There was beach time, there was boat time, there was city time.  We ate more Korean food than you can shake a stick at.  The gf’s mama gave me a skirt.  And some beach glass.  I got to see the gf drive a boat and yes,it was a hot as you might thing.  I slept late and got tan.
  4. I haz an air conditioner in my bedroom. Some people are more, shall we say “sensitive” to the heat.  Oh, the things you do for love.
  5. not pregnant – again.  And then again!  *sigh* And, yes, this has been the blight of my summer.  If I had gotten knocked up, or if I were not ttc, this summer could be labeled as One Of The Best Times Of My Life.  But no.  TTC fucks everything up.  Don’t let me discourage you, though.
  6. RE visits – see above.  RE visits with company, and by company I mean the gf.  Yes, Clem, I’ve changed her name, just for you.  I’ll remind y’all again that my RE is the best RE:  full of science and stories and willing to explain any and everything he does *and* immediately and totally inclusive of the gf – asides to be sure she understood terms like ICSI and full eye-contact and hand shakes and generally just being great.  Keep in mind accompanying me on RE visits holds no additional meaning for us.  So don’t jump to any conclusions – yes, I’m talking to you.  And you.  And, yes, you, too.  Good lord, y’all.
  7. drugs – not recreational ones.  Just my old friend Femara.  You might remember that The Pregnancy That Wasn’t occurred sans meds and so I opted to continue trying without them once I got back on the horse January last.  Oh dreams of un-assisted conception, how far and hard you fall.  Anyway, yeah, I’ve given up on that shit.  Western medicine.  Bring it.
  8. the peeps – um, well, ah…. things have changed with the peeps.  They are big now, as you might guess.  I almost don’t recognize them in those pictures from a few months ago.  So, ah, the other thing is that both those peeps turned out to be roosters.  Ha.  One of them started crowing and getting rather aggressive and so I passed him on to a friend in the country.  He eventually got eaten by a dog but he had a good run at country life for a few weeks before that.  Before his passing, but after his exile from Starrhill, I bought 3 more peeps off of Craigslist.  All girls.  They are blue laced Wyandottes we like to call Mary, Kate and Ashley.  And, yes, you counted right.  There is still one of the Original Peeps here in Starrhill.  We like to call him Lola.  I would end up with genderqueer chickens.
  9. IVP visit – Woo and Hoo!  We squeezed in a visit with Jude and her fab and adorable fam.  They are fab and, yes, I pretty much love Northhampton, like the good lesbian I am.
  10. June visit with my cousin – woo!  She’s big now.  It was like a real adult visit.  I heart her.
  11. the gf – yes, I know some of you are stalking me just because of her legs.  I see you over there, hoping for another picture of her in shorts.  Sad to say, my camera is broken.  Anyway, it’s pretty damn good these days, y’all.  Blissful and lovely for here, please.
  12. work – what work? (Ok, I am looking forward to it just a little bit, as cho-girl is coming to teach with me again.)
  13. fermenting – so far I’ve got pickles and sauerkraut and radishes under my belt.  Some are more successful than others.  Also plum jam from plums the gf and my roommate scavenged from the tree by the school.  I’m sure there will be more putting up in the next weeks as I try to hang on to whatever summer I can.

It’s time for a nap after lunch (leftover fritta with leeks and zucchini from the farm, maybe some peaches).  Log your lunch.  I’ve missed you.

no sleep till brookland

Travel Jounal, Day One

Train on time. Woo. Ran into nice boy from the theater, sat with him on train. Train arrived Union Station prior to ETA. Who says Amtrak doesn’t run on time?

Walked from CU metro stop to hosts’ house. Lovely green space to right between neighborhood and metro tracks – good job with the green space, city of DC – gold star for you.

Coffee and lunch and gossip with host the first.  Host the second away for work in Richmond – plans to arrive this evening.

Delightful metro trip (red line) 3 stops up from CU.  Met also delightful internet people.  Did not get kidnapped by them (hosts were worried). Damn.  Wanted to eat the baby.  Her cheeks looked delicious.  Restrained myself, as these delightful internet people might think I am crazy.

Additional metro trip back to Brookland.  Stroll home.  Chat with host the first, who is working.  Read 2 pages of trashy Naiad book from the 80’s.  Nap on couch.  Make plans with alternate DC friends, aka non-hosts.

Walk dog with host the first.

Trip to the grocery store and the liquor store.  Home for drinks and potato chips. Plans for pizza are afoot.  Non-hosts will arrive at some point.


queer revolution, travel and other weekend goodies

Let’s get the business out of the way first – I think my insems were too early. Although I did have ovulation twinges this afternoon, so who the hell knows. Oh, well. While this was Teh Last of Teh Last, it was also the Throw Away Insem, the one that probably wouldn’t work. But whatever, I’ll take my prometrium like a good girl and we’ll see what happens.

Last night, I went out. Woo! Out! The Athens Boys Choir and Katastrophe were playing a free (free!) show just down the road from me and as I love, love, love Katz, I was all over it. It seems they did a Trans 101 workshop (also free!) that afternoon. Yay. I missed it, but yay. Both these kids are cute as buttons and said all the right things and had a gaggle, yes, a gaggle, of little femme girls right up in front of the stage squealing over them (it was kind of like Elvis only these bois are cuter). By said all the right things, I mean that their songs and poems spoke true and clear and funny and sad and all the things you might feel in your life. Katz spoke briefly about the horrifying statistics on hate-crimes against queers in general and trans folks in particular and again, he said all the right things. That is, he didn’t say much, he simply named some of the people, some of the kids, who’ve been killed recently and told us, instructed us, to remember them, to say their names. He had a poem about them, “Queer Revolution,” a litany of sorts, with slides – pictures and names, lest we forget. There’s not space enough for me to list all the names, nor, sadly, do I even know them all, but you can go here to remember, to have names to speak so that we will not forget them. And then, on a lighter note, he finished up with my all time fave, “Tranny Got Pack.” Well, maybe my fave is the Waffle House one….. sooooo hard to decide. (That’s a music link, so watch your volume if you’re at work or worried about loudness.)

So Katz was great and he’s really what drew me to the show, but the bonus prize was Rocco (he introduced himself to me when I bought a CD from him – sqeee! (Lord.)). So um, yeah, I spent the whole show thinking how familiar he looked and how I knew the name Katastrophe from *somewhere*….. and then after I got home and read the liner notes with the CD (10 pages!) I remembered. Michelle Tea’s partner. Yeah. I am behind the times. Anyway, he was great. So great that my friend D, who’s a nice gayboy, said, as he climbed up next to me on one of the pillars for a better view, “oh my god! I have the hots for a transman!”* We speculated that he’d have to fight off the gaggle of femme girls to get to his new crush. In honor of the show, D wore his Lesbian Clothes – a tie and a zip-up hoodie. Adorable. He looked just like a lesbian. Good job, D.

Nothing like some hot trans men talking about social justice and peace and feminism to make you remember what it’s all about. MySpace links here and here. And, yes, I have a little celebrity crush. *sigh* But honest, y’all, they’re so good.

Also, I got a new, big girl couch this weekend, thanks to the KP. This meant, among other things, that my roommate and I had to quite literally break the frame of the futon I had been using as a couch so we could get it up stairs so she could use it as a bed. In retrospect, this is funny. Moving furniture sucks. But woo! Big girl couch!

In other news, I booked tickets to go to New York for a smidge during spring break. I was ambivalent about going – I want to see my friends up there really bad, but it’s sort of expensive, I’m not sure how to deal with cat care now that one of the cats is deaf and another still has some – ah – bowel issues, and the usual – I kind of love to be at home more than anything. But then I was looking for some old emails I’d written about school and I came across one I’d sent to Z the Ex from back in 2004 when I must have been up there for some Montessori related thing and then I totally wanted to go.

Yesterday I saw a magician. I was on the train, going from Ian’s back to
Williamsburg, and I was tired and feeling weird (what’s new) and I’d finished
my book so there was nothing to do but sit there. As we were whizzing along under
the river, a magician came clanging in from the next car. He had a little
folding metal stand with big loud metal bells on it and a black case that he
pushed in front of him and a nice black top hat. He was mumbling loudly in
Spanish and so, in spite of my heritage, I understood nothing. He set up shop
right in the middle of the train, swinging the black case up onto the metal
stand and arranging all sorts of implements on it. He tried to get this one guy
to hold his magic wand for him, it was pink lucite, I think, but he refused.
Then all the other people he tried shook their heads, too. It was so sad. But
then this guy sitting across from me agreed to hold the magic wand and tap on
the special magic box and so the show could begin. I got to open the magic drawer
in the special magic box and a small furry animal popped out and I jumped. Then
he did all sorts of other tricks, like making soap bubbles turn into giant
marbles and then popping the marbles or making a girl’s purple lacy panties drop
to the floor and then trying to give them to the guy across from me. In
addition to finding the small furry animal (maybe it was a mink?), I got to
hold the magic wand and tap on a small metal dish that was upside-down and then a
dove flew out from under it. Amazing. And then he was done. He collected
some money and packed up his case and rattled on to the next car, all in the space
of 2 stops, before we got to Graham Ave.
I walked home and stopped by the liquor store, feeling much better.

You know you wanted to relive that 10 minutes on the L train with me. So I’ll be in New York for a smidge in April. Who’s around?


*edited because, while I was quoting somebody and while this was back in the day and while my friend D wasn’t using it as a slur, that word I used before is not ok. My apologies.

the wagon

There’s these folks in central va who have recently started roasting their own coffee, after years of running a coffee shop downtown. It’s delicious, and their kids are fucking cute. Long ago, back in the day, my Seattle friend, the girl one, and I used to get coffee from them. So I thought it would be nice to bring a bag of their coffee out here with me. Here being Seattle, specifically the couch in apartment 304. Anyway. I was up with the new baby from a little before 5 on, so the other adults could get some real sleep in, and round about 7 (when it was still dark – wtf?) I scrounged around and found the press-pot and made some coffee. Oh, god – so good. Especially with cookies that some kind person had brought over.

You see, I’ve “given up” coffee in the name of ttc (don’t laugh – it’s sort of true). Several years ago, I picked up the Toves and Brill book at Babeland (yes, I bought a book about getting pregnant at a s.ex toy store) and one of the things they talk about is giving up coffee. So I did. It was easy. I’d always loved it, but never really *needed* it to wake up. Morning is great – who needs coffee? Really, giving it up was no big deal at first, but then, I started to miss it. Coffee is good, y’all. So good. I think I’ll have another cup…… You, see? Fabulous. So I’ve been on and off coffee for a while now: I’ll drink it pretty regularly when if I’m taking a break, but mostly I have green tea in the mornings (helpful for CM, or so say many of the Alterna-Fertility Sources) and a weekly treat of coffee plus the occasional other cup, say, if some kind soul brings us coffee at work or cho-girl needs an afternoon coffee date. I’d like to tell you that the result of all this is that I am now knocked up. But, no. The real result of all this abstaining is that I love coffee even more. And appreciate it. Absence, even just occasional absence, makes the heart grow fonder. And I am fond of you, dear, dear coffee. So fond of your deliciousness and bitter tastiness and fragrant steam. And yes, I will become one with you the whole fucking time I am in Seattle and it will be great. Great, I tell you.

Another libation I’ve given up – sort of – is alcohol. We’ll say sort of because I only really abstain during the two week wait. Otherwise, I’ll live it up. Well, not really, as my tolerance has dropped to the level of a giggling first year sorority girl. *sigh* But, as with coffee, the lack has lead to an even greater appreciation. A more full savoring, you might say. Whiskey – good stuff.

What’s so fascinating about all this, if you’re fascinated by the less-than intricate workings of my body and psyche, is that it become abundantly clear that I am not a teetotaler. Not in the literal/historic sense, nor in the figurative sense. I’m not really into doing or not doing *anything* religiously. I fascinate myself. Ha.

Also speaking of addiction, I have a real soft spot for my computer, which I am posting on as we speak! Any other posts or electronic communication has gone out by way of my friend’s computer, which she is unendingly generous with, but I’ve missed my machine. One might say I’ve been going through withdrawal, or one might simply note the joyousness of our current reunion. As you know from previous posts, I’ve been unable to connect to the wireless network here for unknown reasons, but just now I found an unprotected one. In fact, the mainbody of this post was written 2 days ago. Thank you, oh trusting holder of the network zoom. Thank you.

Off to make some custard.

withdrawl and ratios

I’ve got a small bone to pick with Apple. Since I upgraded to the new OS, I can’t seem to use my friends’ secure wireless networks. Even after they give me the password. It’s happened here in Seattle and, looking back, I wonder if that was what was going on in Boston. Anyway, I am stealing my friend’s computer while she naps. With the baby and her husband. I am jonesing for my machine – I really, really miss the two-finger scroll. Not an Euphemism. I swear.

I’ve been IM-ing with Sophie, which is always entertaining, as it gives me a different, distanced sense of her. Not seeing her in front of me somehow lets me see her in a new light – she seems older, funnier. Minus the tweener-speak crap – “u” for “you” and that sort of shit. But really, y’all, the kid’s a riot:

Sophie: i wrapped ur present 2day!!!

me: you mean, my pony?!
Sophie: uh yeah… (cough cough)
i needed sooo much wrapping papr to wrap it!!!
me: aw – i think i’ll name it…..ummmm…..
paco the pony
is he cute?
say yes!
Sophie: hahaha
yeah totally….
me: thank god – i would give him back if he weren’t cute
Sophie: paco the pony… real smart…

I’m always telling her I want a pony when she asks me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I miss her a bunch. We always do run-of-the-mill holiday things once school ends, like walk downtown to look at the gingerbread houses and bake cookies and go to movies and lay around and read. But I’m not there. Oh, well – after I get home I’ll get my fix.

In other, new baby news, things are good – we took Small Fruit Baby to the doctor today and she’s gained 8 ounces since birth on Monday. Kid’s a rock star. The birth was crazy intense, but things are as smooth as they can be now. Her daddy needs to write down her birthstory, because, god damn, the man can write. Other than the doctor outing, we’re doing a lot of nothing – laying around eating, cooking and tidying (2 of my faves!), passing the baby, trying to convince her that day is day and night is night. I am more and more convinced that a ratio of 3:1 is perfect for newborns.

Oh! And? I drove! In a strange city! And did not get lost or scared!