So, yeah, not pregnant. And now out of embryos. You’d think I’d feel worse.

I mean, I did. I did feel worse. I started to cry on the phone with the nurse. I sat on the couch and cried while alerting the media that this trip was motherfucking over, man. I felt sad and lost and alone (wow, the alone part…. yeesh) and disappointed and weepy and then stuffy from crying and sad and really sad and really, really sad and shocked and a whole host of other things that I can’t come up with names for.

And then I got in bed. To hide, briefly.

And then the troops began to descend. A friend showed up and put me in her car and we got treaty coffees and then walked and took pictures and talked and I said lots of things I was feeling and she said lots of things that were very wise and then we got drenched in a summer storm and the sun came back out in the rain and it was like we were in some tropical-rainforest-paradise made up by a theme park only it was real life, y’all. Real fucking life. Better than you knew, right?

And then I went for fancy cocktails with another friend, and we didn’t talk about my infertility shit at all. By design or no, I have no idea, but it was pretty great.

And then a whole mess of my girls came over, which had been scheduled for a while, so it didn’t feel, thank you baby Jesus, like a pity party, but was really just great. Popcorn and whiskey for everyone! Well, they had wine.

Meanwhile, the internets kept checking in, which really does help. It does, internets. So thanks.

For the moment, I really think I am ok. No idea what happens now and I am certain the sad/alone/lost/etc will come and go according to no schedule at all. But, right now, I think I’m ok.


Now with bonus picture:

9 Comments on “bummer”

  1. meridith says:

    I’m holding a pity party/no pity at all party over here in your honor. I’ll serve sweet potatoes. Hang in there!

  2. Dagmar says:

    I love you so very, very much. I’m glad there are so many people there who love you, too.

  3. Carly says:

    Thinking of you…wishing you hope and the knowledge that you are not the only one. Take care.

  4. I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you loads. I’m very glad that the people there were able to take care of you. Wish we were closer.

  5. Briar says:

    I am thinking and thinking and thinking of you. Sending lots of love.

  6. Isa says:

    that sucks. 😦 Sucksucksucks.

  7. BP says:

    I love you too.

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