If I have to see another blissfully-ignorant, straight, fertile pregnant woman and then hear people gush about how “gorgeous” she looks, I will stab myself in the eye.  Both eyes, maybe.  Just so you know.

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sight so fine

Miscarriages are fascinating and all, but damn, there are bigger fish to fry.

Now, here in Virginia it will be a long time coming before we get any sort of gay marriage anything happening, but the folks in Cali have got it going on.  For now.

I’d bet that anybody who reads Caved is already in full on support of letting love happen between whoever is lucky enough to feel it, but you can still stand up and speak for what’s right, just like my mama taught me.  Tell your people in California to vote no on Prop 8.

Taking folks’ rights away is bullshit.  Don’t stand for it.  Pass the word and pass it again:  No on Prop 8 in California.

(If you want to read about this for real, Lesbian Dad sums it up beautifully, as usual.  Go see.  Or Dorothy Surrenders – beware hot girls on her site, though.  Yikes!  Hot girls!)


work in progress

As a list, of course.

  1. Friday, 10/17/08 – u/s at 3 pm shows no appreciable growth of the gestaional sack from last week.  RE recommends stopping prometrium to allow miscarriage (honestly, I think I might prefer the term abortion here, but maybe not everyone would understand that).
  2. Saturday, 10/18/08 – copious watery mucous through out the morning (26-ish hours since last dose of prometrium), I’d think I were about to ovulate if I didn’t know better.  No other changes.
  3. Sunday, 10/19/08 – mix of watery and white/creamy mucous (the later in sort of stringy bits) mid-day.  Damn near perfect eggwhite mucous at bedtime – really, it seems just like CD 14 of a regular cycle.  WTF?  Is there a mucous plug of some sort this early on?
  4. Monday, 10/20/08 – still nothing.  Wore a thrice stuffed luna pad knock-off to work, just in case.  Possible slight cramping around noon – or possible post lunch GI rumblings.  Very slight, really not even there, light pink/light tan mucous in the mid-afternoon, when I finally got to pee.
  5. Monday, 10/20/08, 7:45-ish – definite red flow, as old FF likes to say.  Whew.  Let’s get this party started – I am soooo over the limbo shit.  I guess I should take some advil, as I was advised.  Part of me wants to tough it out and see how bad it is.  Weigh in, please.
  6. Monday, 10/20/08, 9:30 – flow my ass, it’s more like spotting.  Mostly red, some brown, much like the last couple days of my period.  Some lower back pain, which, in retrospect, has been going on all day.  Maybe this won’t be too bad?  Or maybe it will really suck.  Going to bed with advil and a hot toddy.
  7. Tuesday, 10/21/08 – nothing to speak of overnight.  Um.  WTF?  No cramping, sore back or blood all morning, despite being upright – I thought maybe gravity would help.  Oh, and I thought this might resolve quickly.
  8. Tuesday, 10/21/08 – ok, so the last entry was not entirely accurate.  When I finally made it to the bathroom, there was a good bit of very sludgey, very dark brown goo.  But nothing else.  As of now – 6 pm – there’s some back pain.  :: taps fingers impatiently::
  9. Wednesday, 10/22/08 – some blood/watery mucous through out the night – not much.  No pain worth mentioning.  The girl kitten is going to the vet to get fixed today.  The irony is lost on me. Continued bleeding – say, medium? – through out the day.  Switched from knock-off luna pads to The Keeper™ in the late afternoon, fill it in a couple hours.  Had acupuncture at 4.
  10. Thursday, 10/23/08 – wow.  Now we get to the real deal.  Cramping of growing intensity starting around 6 am.  Sometime on the toilet to see if anything would come out (answer:  yes – about the size of a golf ball – just a clot, the gestational sack would have been too small to see – also diarrhea – ew, nobody mentioned that).  Also sometime in bed, ah, writhing.  Hurt like a motherfucker, peeking around 7.  Shaking, chills, the whole 9 yards.  800 mg of advil did nothing.  Counter pressure on my lower back, on the other hand….. miraculous.  The New Girl woke up to my labored breathing, asked what she could do, and from somewhere I dug up having her press on my back.  Who knew that doula training would come in so handy?
  11. Thursday, 10/23/08 – thank you baby Jesus for telling me to take today off work in advance.  I was about done with the passing of the Giant Clot around the time I usually leave for work.  Went back to sleep and woke up around 10, feeling….. damn good.  Huh.  Relieved and renewed almost.  Wow.  Made coffee, tended the fire, got back in bed.  Went for very late breakfast at the Diner.  Came home and got on the couch.  Still bleeding and some moderate cramping, but I think the worst is over.  Whew.  I’m exhausted.
  12. Saturday, 10/25/08 – no, it’s not fucking over yet.  Some cramping, not terrible but really less than fun.  Still bleeding like a MF stuck pig.  An average of an ounce every 3 or 4 hours for the past 2 days.  It’s like there’s an open bleeding wound somewhere inside me.  A literal one, I mean.
  13. Sunday, 10/26/08 – still bleeding.  Jesus fucking Christ.

curses, foiled again

Bad news from the RE today.  There’s been no appreciable growth from last week and my blood work numbers read like shit.  Of particular note, my progesterone is down to some god-awful level like 14, even with the supplements (both oral and vaginal, you’ll remember), which indicates that I’m not making any myself. I’m to stop all prometrium and wait to start bleeding.

The good news, such as it is, is that my hCG never got very high, so it’s very likely that this will “resolve” quickly and with out any interventions, medical or surgical.  Uh, yay.  I guess.

And so there you go.

One miscarriage, for here, please.  Thanks.


open letter to the IVP

Dear The IVP,

I heart you.  Every damn one of you.  I felt you gathering behind me as I drove to my wanding this afternoon.  All in the tiny back seat with your pockets full of those emoticons we love to hate – ready to pull out a smile or a wink or even that one with the whip at a moment’s notice.

There you were, clustered around the head of the exam table, craning your necks to see the screen when you first heard the RE say “hmm…. good!” under his breath.

I could nearly see you turning cartwheels in the parking lot as I walked to the car afterwards – you’ll not hold back on hope and joy just because something *might* go south.  I trust you to hold all my enthusiasm safe for me for just another couple weeks.

Thanks, y’all.

love, starrhillgirl


so far, so good

As of this afternoon, there is a gestational sac measuring 6 mm by 6 mm in my uterus – just what it should be.  All other things (lining, corpus luteum, placement) look good.  “You get check marks for all of those,”  the RE told me.  He also said “good”  and “prefect” and “great” a couple times.

All this after The Talk, which came before the wanding.  The Talk consists of him expressing his ongoing concern over the beta numbers (yesterday’s was 2800 for those of you playing along at home – which is not so good), his emphasis on the good news being that I actually conceived and his careful insistence that I understand that this is dicey.  He’s still leery of a miscarriage, on account of the slow beta rise, and is particularly worried that the huge tide of Prometrium I’m taking (by mouth *and* by snatch now – woo) would mask it.  So he wants to see me again in a week.

But for the moment, I’m knocked up.

Still breathing.

(as usual, you local kids, this is not public news – even to discuss with me – not yet)


too slow, as per usual

Today’s beta:  1504.  Not doubled from Tuesday’s (beautifully doubled) 1064.  Well, fuck.

Yes, yes, I know it’s not over till it’s over and I’ll admit to hanging onto some small hope, but fuck.

Wanding early next week, to see what there is to see.

Just breathe, as the kids say.