dum spiro speroPosted: September 26, 2008
So you’ve seen the stats. Now I’ll give you the fluff. The ups and the downs. The You Probably Don’t Want To See This Side Of Me dirt. In all it’s grubby glory. And, warning, there are parts of this you won’t want to read if you’re in the thick of it, ttc-wise.
There was a whole fuck up with the RE clinic, to which I referred earlier today, and while I won’t go into detail (because I have no desire to relive it), I will say that shit was hard.
Damn. The whole thing is hard – I’m tired and it takes nothing more than a glance to hurt my feeling enough to make me cry (remember, I’m not so much with the crying). Honestly, I thought it was all kittens and chocolate covered bacon after a positive htp. But no. It’s not and everyone of you who’s ridden or is ridding the infertility train knows it. It’s hard and full of doubt and anxiety and teeth gnashing and hope that you fear might be false. And, good lord, was I ever rolling around in the muck of that this week.
But then, at some point last night, in between turning out the light and The New Girl showing up, I rolled myself right out. Now, mind you, this was the in between time – after my RE told me he suspected that my positive test would turn to a chemical pregnancy, but before I got today’s beta results, which make that chemical retreat a bit and caused my RE to happily eat his words. But, there in the half dark of my room, between waking and sleeping, I had a moment of deciding that I’d be ok, that I didn’t have to freak out in order to make this real – I’d feel hope and bask in the IVP love that was all around and I’d enjoy whatever bits of this pregnancy that I get to enjoy.
Was it the un-fucking-flaging chorus of belief from the IVP? Megan’s post about a study regarding miscarriage and TCL (which somehow reminded me that my anxiety adds exactly *nothing* to this party)? My neighbor’s email that read “call me old school, but if you haven’t gotten your period yet, I still have hope” ? Whatever, I turned something of a corner and was just ok. Breathing and fine.
Now, this is not to say I didn’t feel any anxiety at all when I called for my beta results this afternoon. Nor is it to say that I am now Fully Confident there will be a baby from my body at my house in May. And far be it from me to expect nothing but those kittens and chocolate bacon from here on out (Ha! Check back next Tuesday while I wait for my 4th and hopefully final beta). But. I am pretty ok. That’s my usual state, anyway. And it’s really pretty great. I have these moments of feeling like I’m pregnant. For real. Yay.
Meanwhile, LB has offered to marry me and take me away to the BVIs. So I’m off to check my hope chest and polish my bikini. I mean, pack my bikini.