So, yeah, not pregnant. And now out of embryos. You’d think I’d feel worse.
I mean, I did. I did feel worse. I started to cry on the phone with the nurse. I sat on the couch and cried while alerting the media that this trip was motherfucking over, man. I felt sad and lost and alone (wow, the alone part…. yeesh) and disappointed and weepy and then stuffy from crying and sad and really sad and really, really sad and shocked and a whole host of other things that I can’t come up with names for.
And then I got in bed. To hide, briefly.
And then the troops began to descend. A friend showed up and put me in her car and we got treaty coffees and then walked and took pictures and talked and I said lots of things I was feeling and she said lots of things that were very wise and then we got drenched in a summer storm and the sun came back out in the rain and it was like we were in some tropical-rainforest-paradise made up by a theme park only it was real life, y’all. Real fucking life. Better than you knew, right?
And then I went for fancy cocktails with another friend, and we didn’t talk about my infertility shit at all. By design or no, I have no idea, but it was pretty great.
And then a whole mess of my girls came over, which had been scheduled for a while, so it didn’t feel, thank you baby Jesus, like a pity party, but was really just great. Popcorn and whiskey for everyone! Well, they had wine.
Meanwhile, the internets kept checking in, which really does help. It does, internets. So thanks.
For the moment, I really think I am ok. No idea what happens now and I am certain the sad/alone/lost/etc will come and go according to no schedule at all. But, right now, I think I’m ok.
Now with bonus picture:
Oh, hello there, as my grandpa used to say. Hello. It has been some time hasn’t it? It has. And guess what? Three guess. First two don’t count. Yes! You got it. I’m still infertile.
But that’s boring, old news. Boring and old. Entertainingly, there is little else going on that is new and interesting. Maybe I’ll make y’all a list! I love a list.
- school: was good, challenging in the full sense of that word, but good. Challenging like cho-girl and I took a deep breath at the end and said “whew.” And also said, “damn, us, we do some good work, gold Montessori stars for us.”Also, I am working camp some this summer. Until noon, so it almost doesn’t count. The paychecks also almost don’t count either.
- home: also good, if less challenging. One of the remaining chickens went broody for damn near three weeks in June and so egg production is for shit. What this boils down to is that they aren’t getting the fancy organic local food this summer (see also paycheck as mentioned above), because I’m not going to spring for that shit if I don’t get enough eggs to give away. The cats are shedding with abandon, except for dear Louise who manifest her grief for her late brother by over-grooming rather horribly. Poor Louise. The kittens are big, but still kittens and Fifi is old and just as hateful, though sweet to me.
other random things:
- Super CLAW was last month and there are lots of other places on ye olde internete that talk about it, so I’ll just say that it was fab. And I got a shirt. And another shirt to send to my cousin, who is an official for roller derby
- Speaking of my cousin, I went to LA and it was great. Saw my afore mentioned cousin and we laid around in bed together taking and drinking coffee and she braided my hair for me everyday, like her mom used to do for us when we were little girls and we went to the beach.
- I had The Spring of Company, which was pretty much the biggest treat ever. In order of arrival, not importance: Anna with her delightful tiny fam, the Bionics, who have already blogged the trip, if you want deets, Hard Girl and her not so tiny fam, and then trailing at the end of May, aj , who sadly didn’t stay with me, but did come over for whiskey. Yay! Company!
- I am on the train for a super secret trip to Brooklyn. Well, not really secret, bt I didn’t tell lots of people I was coming up. Just a couple folks. I am going to lay around and read and eat and visit and not make myself crazy trying to see fifty bah-thousand people. But I’m going to go to the bra store. Woo! The bra store.
What else? Is that enough catching up for y’all? And by “y’all” I mean “the two of you that are still reading”.
Oh, camp… I can’t even remember what day it is….
Oh, yeah, day 8. Teaching. Um, well. That’s what I do. For work, that is. And also because I generally love it – the money’s not good enough to make anyone stick around; you have to love it at least a little bit. Or, if you’re me, you also stick around because you have no other marketable skills. My kids are two, and don’t yet read (although they are great a picking their noses), so blogs mean very little to them.
Shall we play catch up? We shall.
Day 7. I don’t think I have a favorite for any meal – weird, considering I also had no guilty pleasures. Wow, do I love food blogs, though. And, yes, I would totally write one if I had enough motivation to do anything at all. Note my tumblr, which is all about lunch and hasn’t been updated in forever, and the last post wasn’t even my lunch. Maybe I should get back on that… or you could! You, too, could half-ass-ed-ly fulfill your food blogger fantasies and log your lunch!
Day 6. I never try new things because I hate new things. For real.
Day 5. Ummm…. I don’t know what I like best to do on my birthday. (See why I need to be kicked out of camp – can’t answer the damn questions.) Usually, LB and I have a party of sorts, because our birthdays are so close together.
Day 4. Being an adult surprises the shit out of me daily. What is this leaky pipe and why do I have to deal with it? Where did these bills come from? And who are all these damn cats and to whom do they belong?! I think the world of blogging has taught me about generosity. How to have it and how to be on the receiving end of it. Thanks for that lesson, Cali. For real.
Shit, I am late for camp. What a surprise.
So let’s play catch up, shall we?
Day 1 – Provide a photo or sketch or dramatic rendering of the space where you normally blog.
Home. I usually blog at home. Sometimes when I travel, but mostly at home. In the chair by the fire, or on the couch or on the porch swing that you can almost see in the far right of the above picture. I don’t think I have ever blogged at my desk, which is really more storage space than work space. This picture is from long ago, before I ripped out all those bushes and the droopy fence.
Day 2 -What were you like in high school? What extracurricular activities, if any, did you take part in during high school? Did you consider yourself a writer?
What *was* I like in high school? Umm…. much like I am now? Short, sort of brown, but without any tattoos. Nice, I hope?
I didn’t really take part in any extra-curriculars. A lot of my friends played field hockey, so I went with them to games because it was fun. I was the manager. Sort of. That meant I braided everybody’s hair and stored their jewelry on my person during games. I did some costuming, which sort of started by accident when the husband of the woman who taught me to sew was brought in to direct the school play one year and she was the costume designer; she had me help her with alterations and then the next year I sort of stuck with it. Otherwise, I spent a lot of time with my friends, doing things I probably shouldn’t commit to permanent record.
Oh, summer camp… now can we sing songs by the fire and then go make out in the cabins?
My internet is working! Whee! Hence, I had a perfect skype date with the Girl Scouter, which was better than therapy, and I got to read real, live blogs! Which let me in on the secret that I was tagged for a meme! I’m still junior-high enough that being tagged makes me all squeal-y and full of exclamation points! EEEEEE! They like me! And by they, I mean the queen of the two-for-one deal, Bionic. Go on ahead with your bad self, babe – log your lunch for me. You know I love it.
Ok, ok. I haven’t done a meme in a while. Hell, I haven’t blogged in a while. Do y’all even read any more? So let me put the rules up first, because I heart rules. Ooo! Ima put them in a list – what’s better than a list *and* rules? Nothing, that’s what.
- Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
- Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
- Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
- Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.
Now, to think of seven moderately interesting things… umm…..hang on, I’m thinking. Shoot. This shit is hard. Ok, here we go.
- My internet connection prowess is for shit. This is not even remotely interesting, let alone moderately, but I am telling you anyway because it makes me crazy. For example, while I was typing that last sentence, it went out. And now is back on again. Save early, save often, as my father says. And it’s out again. Lord.
- I buy two different kinds of cat food – fancy, local organic full-of-meat kind and generic, mass produced, full-of-filler kind – and then I mix them. But will I feed my cats canned food? No. Too much trouble. Do I feel stupid and guilty about this? Yes.
- Above my bed, thumb-tacked over a handwritten copy of Emily Dickenson’s poem about hope, is a copy of the u/s picture from when I was pregnant. It’s not a picture of a baby to me, but I just can’t take it down.
- I still do not fully understand how to make use of WordPress and it’s media options. Also, I do not have a working camera. I miss having lots of pictures on my blog.
- My chickens are producing 3 or 4 eggs a day. And a lot of poo.
- I have a great deal of follistim in my fridge. Because the IVP is full of kind and generous people, some of whom do not have blogs (ahem, Lizzie). To whom I think I still owe some shipping money.
- I love my job. I don’t blog about it when it’s bad, so there’s no way for y’all internet peopleto know just how mother-fucking bad it was last year. Now now that’s it good, I’ll run on a little. My job is so great. So, so great. My kids are great, my assistant and my intern are great, my families are great, my classroom is beautiful…. on and on and on. It’s so great. And I’m on vacation this week. Heh.
Yikes, now I have to pick seven bloggers…. all without a fucking internet connection. Why, internet? Why? Why do you hate me? Why must you keep me from my internet peeps? Why?
Ok, I’ll just make this next list (3 lists in one post!) Full O’ Links later. When the internet starts cooperating. I love speaking of the internet as if it were a real thing.
If you are on this list, you must participate. Even if you rarely, hardly ever, really not even ever blog anymore. Ahem. Yes, I mean you.
- Tay at feyac blurk, who is also T of Tuesday Fame around here. Because you need to see her photography.
- Car Free With Kids. Because they are living my fantasy life. In which I not only give up my car, but I also know how to ride a bike. And in which I have kids.
- It’s taken me this long, but I finally got with the program and figured out where to find the best dressed blogger in town. (Now, let’s hope she talks about cars, too.)
- My dear and equally well dressed friend A. Because she and the Sartorial Butch should be friends.
- Chicory. Because we love her. That’s the royal we, y’all. And because she’s good at noticing what’s good in her world as we all should be.
- I think she doesn’t blog anymore, but I am still crushed out: Wake Up Naked.
- And of course, LB. It’s not a life without her.
Good lord. I need to update my blog roll.
Turkey and Swiss on wheat with sugar free grape jam and wasabi mayo.
Best pot pie ever.
Sad to say, neither of these was my lunch today. I had and apple, some free cheese, left over rice plain rice cakes and – mmmm – coffee.
I do love y’all for logging your lunches. I really, really do.
PS. Anyone want to take over blogging for me when it involves pictures? WordPress kicks my ass.
Can you believe how lame I am? Nothing for days.
Also? It snowed. Again. Lord.
Just for fun, log your lunch. If you’re good, I’ll post a beautiful picture of Cali’s pretty lunch from the other day. Yes, she sends me pictures of food. Yes, you should be jealous. No, I cannot figure out how to make links on this tiny handheld thingy.
Do we even know each other? It’s been so long….
Just kidding. I know you’ve been bouncing in your collective seats, biting your collective nails, wondering wtf is happening in Starrhill. There’s nothing so exciting as the news from here.
In no particular order:
- nothing – for real, nothing. It’s summer and that’s how we roll around here. I’ve been taking care of various children to pay the bills and sitting on the porch with drinks and generally doing nothing.
- small skunk sighting – not a baby and not an adult, but cute. Also surprising enough to make me jump. And cute enough to make me think of Pepe Le Pew and worry for my little girl kitten, who does look a good bit like the little black cat Pepe’s always after.
- vacation – woo and hoo! I haven’t had a real vacation in years. Years, I tell you. The gf and I went up north, stopping at her folks’ in LI and then on to Western Mass for a wedding (as a side note, the officiant made a very low-key and lovely comment at the start of the ceremony about how marrige is a right and that we hope soon it will be in everyone’s reach – warmed my little gay heart), which is totally at the top of my weddings-attended list. Then post fab-wedding weekend (yes, it was a whole weekend, yes it was *fab*) we went back to LI/NYC. There was beach time, there was boat time, there was city time. We ate more Korean food than you can shake a stick at. The gf’s mama gave me a skirt. And some beach glass. I got to see the gf drive a boat and yes,it was a hot as you might thing. I slept late and got tan.
- I haz an air conditioner in my bedroom. Some people are more, shall we say “sensitive” to the heat. Oh, the things you do for love.
- not pregnant – again. And then again! *sigh* And, yes, this has been the blight of my summer. If I had gotten knocked up, or if I were not ttc, this summer could be labeled as One Of The Best Times Of My Life. But no. TTC fucks everything up. Don’t let me discourage you, though.
- RE visits – see above. RE visits with company, and by company I mean the gf. Yes, Clem, I’ve changed her name, just for you. I’ll remind y’all again that my RE is the best RE: full of science and stories and willing to explain any and everything he does *and* immediately and totally inclusive of the gf – asides to be sure she understood terms like ICSI and full eye-contact and hand shakes and generally just being great. Keep in mind accompanying me on RE visits holds no additional meaning for us. So don’t jump to any conclusions – yes, I’m talking to you. And you. And, yes, you, too. Good lord, y’all.
- drugs – not recreational ones. Just my old friend Femara. You might remember that The Pregnancy That Wasn’t occurred sans meds and so I opted to continue trying without them once I got back on the horse January last. Oh dreams of un-assisted conception, how far and hard you fall. Anyway, yeah, I’ve given up on that shit. Western medicine. Bring it.
- the peeps – um, well, ah…. things have changed with the peeps. They are big now, as you might guess. I almost don’t recognize them in those pictures from a few months ago. So, ah, the other thing is that both those peeps turned out to be roosters. Ha. One of them started crowing and getting rather aggressive and so I passed him on to a friend in the country. He eventually got eaten by a dog but he had a good run at country life for a few weeks before that. Before his passing, but after his exile from Starrhill, I bought 3 more peeps off of Craigslist. All girls. They are blue laced Wyandottes we like to call Mary, Kate and Ashley. And, yes, you counted right. There is still one of the Original Peeps here in Starrhill. We like to call him Lola. I would end up with genderqueer chickens.
- IVP visit – Woo and Hoo! We squeezed in a visit with Jude and her fab and adorable fam. They are fab and, yes, I pretty much love Northhampton, like the good lesbian I am.
- June visit with my cousin – woo! She’s big now. It was like a real adult visit. I heart her.
- the gf – yes, I know some of you are stalking me just because of her legs. I see you over there, hoping for another picture of her in shorts. Sad to say, my camera is broken. Anyway, it’s pretty damn good these days, y’all. Blissful and lovely for here, please.
- work – what work? (Ok, I am looking forward to it just a little bit, as cho-girl is coming to teach with me again.)
- fermenting – so far I’ve got pickles and sauerkraut and radishes under my belt. Some are more successful than others. Also plum jam from plums the gf and my roommate scavenged from the tree by the school. I’m sure there will be more putting up in the next weeks as I try to hang on to whatever summer I can.
It’s time for a nap after lunch (leftover fritta with leeks and zucchini from the farm, maybe some peaches). Log your lunch. I’ve missed you.
Is it bad that I never blog any more? Maybe it’s a blessing – fewer numbered lists and less moaning about infertility. So maybe y’all are happier, but I *miss* you.
(As a side note, we had a speaker come to talk to staff and parents about the local Atachment Clinic and, while she had some interesting things to say, she also used less where she should have used fewer. Nice.)
So, yeah. I’m trying again. To knock myself up, you know. And to blog more and better. Well, at least more.
Is it bad that I have absolutly no qualms about hitting override on old FF? They don’t know when I ovualte – *I* do. Fuck them and their stupid “we think you may….” bullshit. I don’t even miss the VIP membership I didn’t renew and no I won’t be bothered to make note of every damn thing that happens every damn day in my chart. I’ll just hit override to set my ovulation date and be on my merry way. Stupid old FF.
Oh, the stats. I know you want them and you know I want a list:
- CD 14.
- IUI in the afternoon.
- Post wash count 120.
Even more things of note: well, one thing. There are 27 days of school left. Insert your own cheering here.
And lunch. Last night’s leftovers of lamb, rice and peas. Sort of boring but not too terrible. And an apple on the way to see Tom the Lab Guy to pick up the goods. All 120 million of them. Log your lunch, just for old times sake.